Key Takeaway:
Love is a crucial aspect of life, defining relationships, identity, and self-worth. The popular belief that self-love is necessary for romantic love is often questioned, as some philosophers argue that excessive focus on oneself can lead to narcissism. However, the absence of self-love can manifest as a fundamental lack of self-worth, leaving individuals vulnerable to seeking validation externally. Self-love is often a byproduct of feeling valued by someone else, and it is not cultivated in isolation.
Love has always been considered one of life’s greatest pursuits, an elusive force that defines relationships, identity, and even self-worth. Society often repeats the same mantra: “You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.”The idea, which can be traced back to the German psychologist Erich Fromm’s 1956 book The Art of Loving, has been widely adopted in modern culture, with figures like RuPaul cementing it into popular wisdom.
But is it really true? Does self-love truly precede the ability to love another? Or is it the other way around? Some philosophers outright reject the idea that self-love is essential to finding love, arguing that an excessive focus on oneself borders on narcissism rather than emotional well-being. Iris Murdoch, for instance, believed that love should be directed outward toward others, rather than being self-reflective. She warned against a love that was primarily self-focused, advocating instead for an existence rooted in altruism and connection.
This way of thinking presents a self-sacrificial approach to love—one where prioritizing others above oneself is considered noble. But if love is meant to be the highest form of valuing someone, wouldn’t that apply to oneself as well? The absence of self-love often manifests as a fundamental lack of self-worth, leaving individuals vulnerable to seeking validation externally. If self-love is the foundation of feeling valued, then perhaps it is not something that must come first, but rather something that emerges as a result of being loved.
Love and the Illusion of Self-Sufficiency
The notion that self-love is a prerequisite for romantic love plays upon an important truth but gets the order wrong. Philosophers from Aristotle to Cicero have explored the idea of friendship and love, viewing them as reflections of self-worth. A true friend is “another self”, someone who deserves the same care and affection that one would give to oneself.
Love for oneself, they argued, is a necessary backdrop to a fulfilling life. When self-love is absent, something has gone fundamentally wrong. But where does self-love actually come from? Is it cultivated in isolation, or is it something that is nurtured through relationships and social bonds?
The answer lies in experience. People don’t develop self-love in a vacuum—it is often the result of experiencing love from another. This is where the popular self-love mantra falls short. Rather than being a prerequisite for love, self-love is often a byproduct of feeling valued by someone else.
Loneliness and the Elusive Nature of Love
For those in their 20s and 30s, there is a stark realization that everyone around them seems to be pairing off—getting into relationships, moving in together, even starting families. Some are deeply immersed in romantic partnerships, while others remain perpetual outsiders to the experience of love.
For those who have never had a romantic relationship, never received a Valentine’s Day card, or never experienced the intimate joy of being chosen by another person, self-love can feel almost impossible to cultivate. They might long for love, but waiting for it often leads to nothing. And if love doesn’t find them, how are they supposed to develop this so-called “self-love” that is allegedly required to attract it?
It’s a frustrating paradox: without love, self-worth is difficult to attain, and without self-worth, love is supposedly unattainable. Yet, for those who remain romantically excluded, no amount of positive affirmations or self-help books can manufacture the sense of value that comes from actually being loved.
The Role of Relationships in Shaping Self-Worth
Even the greatest minds in philosophy have struggled to rationalize self-worth in the absence of external validation. Immanuel Kant, in his Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals (1785), asserted that all individuals, as rational beings, have equal moral worth. However, this abstract idea doesn’t always match real-world experiences.
For those who have never been in a romantic relationship, “equal value” may not feel real at all. The absence of love is often internalized as an indicator of unworthiness, regardless of philosophical reasoning.
This is why the experience of being loved by someone admired and respected is transformative. Self-worth is not merely a construct of the mind but an emotional imprint left by relationships. Being loved by someone who is genuinely valued reinforces a person’s sense of significance in a way that no amount of self-reflection or self-help exercises can replicate.
Love Beyond Romance
For most people, the journey to self-acceptance doesn’t begin with romance—it starts much earlier in life. Parental love, friendships, and even the unconditional affection of pets play a role in shaping how people perceive their own worth.
Childhood experiences of love help lay the foundation for a healthy sense of self. But at some point, these forms of love are no longer enough. There comes a time when romantic love becomes an essential affirmation—not because people need it to survive, but because they long to be chosen by someone who could have picked anyone.
This does not mean that everyone needs to be in a constant state of romance to maintain self-worth. Some people thrive in long-term partnerships, while others prefer to move from one relationship to another. But in either case, the key factoris the knowledge of being loved.
The Power of Being Seen and Chosen
At its core, the deepest desire in love is to be recognized—to be seen, chosen, and cherished by another. The affirmation that someone wants to be with you, that they value you enough to prioritize your presence in their life, creates a powerful reinforcement of self-worth.
This is why bad relationships can be so damaging. Being loved by someone who is cruel, indifferent, or emotionally abusive does not cultivate self-worth—it erodes it. In contrast, being loved by someone who genuinely sees and values you can be profoundly life-changing.
A person’s ability to love themselves is often shaped by who has loved them. Without this experience, the idea of self-love can feel hollow and unattainable. The notion that self-love is a prerequisite for being loved by others is flawed, because, in reality, it is often love itself that teaches self-love.
A New Perspective on Love and Self-Worth
Modern culture often promotes individualism, urging people to cultivate happiness independently of external validation. But the truth is more complicated. Humans are relational beings, and self-worth is frequently shaped by the way others treat us.
The experience of romantic love provides a unique confirmation of worth, reinforcing what other relationships have already hinted at. It is not the only path to self-worth, but for many, it remains a crucial one.
This doesn’t mean that people should measure their value by their relationship status, nor does it mean that being single equates to being unworthy. But it does mean that love—real, reciprocal love—has the power to change the way we see ourselves.
So perhaps the real truth isn’t “you must love yourself before you can be loved”, but rather: “You learn to love yourself through the experience of being loved.”
